More One-Liners & Funny Stories


These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published

by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the

exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a

new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant

to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school

did you attend?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,


WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practising law.

Fun Sayings and Good Thoughts - Hope You Enjoy!!!

Every day above ground is a good one, and any day spent underwater is a bonus!

Just because you've done something stupid and gotten away with doesn't mean you're experienced.  Nor does it make it a good idea.

Life may be a bitch at times, but it sure beats the alternative.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Dale Carnegie

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

William James

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Lead me not into temptation  – I can find the way myself.

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office."

...Shirley MacLaine

When you travel through life brother, no matter what your goal, keep your eye on the doughnut and not the hole.    - Joe Albertson, founder of Albertsons Grocery Stores

Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but rather by the number of moments that take your breath away.

I'm so busy I don't know if I found a rope or lost my horse.

Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

This message was brought to you by common sense in conjunction with foresight. :)

The "one" is the person who sees you as the idiot you are and still wants you in their life.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an Emergency on my part.

We hope our ship comes in before the dock rots.

I have CDO.  It's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order as they should be.

The Hokey Pokey Clinic.  A place to turn yourself around.

Everyone is entitled to act stupid, some just abuse the privilege.

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently!

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected the expected?

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves!

People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did.

(Mark Twain)

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

****Subject: VIRUS WARNING****

There is a new virus circulating.  It is called "WORK." If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances!  

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.  Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.  If you don't drink, check out the Dairy Queen "Hot Fudge Brownie Supreme"!  It is a good substitute!

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.  

If this is the case, go to the nearest bar or Dairy Queen and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but I am not entirely positive, so I'm headed for the Dairy Queen anyway... and then the bar!  ...It never hurts to be safe!

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Condensed Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

4. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

8. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

9. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

11. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

12. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

15. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

16. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

17. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

18. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up

something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside and it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.  At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"  "Uh," ...I was thinking quickly,

All moms know this stuff.  It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.  "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."  "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

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Too cute!

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl, who was listening carefully, leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

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More Funny One-Liners

•       He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

•     Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.

•     Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under

•     A bumper sticker: "Honk, if you're against noise pollution!"

•     On the other hand, you have different fingers

•     Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

•     It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,

          someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them

•     A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well

•     Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

•     UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist! 

•     A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one. 

•     I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? 

•     43% of all statistics are useless.  

•     Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 

•     The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,

          there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

•     It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket.

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(You may have heard this in one version or another, but it's just too funny to not pass along!)

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.  His only son, who used to help him was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.  "Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here, all my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.  Love Dad."  A few days later he received a letter from his son.  "Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, Don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.  Love Son."  At 4 am the next morning FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire garden area.  But when they didn't find any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.  Later that same day, the old man received another letter from his son.  "Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love, Son."

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Scuba Addiction

You know you're addicted to scuba diving when:

every morning the sound of shaving foam (psshhhht) makes you want to go diving.

you actually like wearing a full-length wetsuit, hood, gloves, boots, fins, mask, snorkel, buoyancy compensator, compressed air tank, scuba regulator, dive computer, a knife strapped to your inside calf, and 7 kg of lead around your waist.

the local dive shop people recognize you - on the telephone.

you automatically breathe out when you walk up a flight of stairs.

you suddenly discover a fervent interest in attending scientific conferences in Vanuatu, the Red Sea, the Caribbean, Thailand and the Great Barrier Reef.

the value of money is measured by how much dive gear you could buy with it.

no-one asks for your certification card any more.

fresh air is starting to taste funny.

the most common word on your credit card bill is DIVE.

your house always smells of wet neoprene.

you put your left shoe on by dropping it on the ground, standing on the toe of the shoe with your right heel, and forcing your left foot into the shoe.

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It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark!


Progress (or Success) has less to do with speed and more to do with direction.

"You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."  

             ~ Martin Luther King Jr

Do not fear going forward slowly; fear only to stand still.

Success is 99 percent failure

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.

             ~ William Feather (1889-1981) Writer and Publisher

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Here are a few of life's little mysteries to ponder:

1.     1.      Why is there only one word for thesaurus?

2.     Why does the word "monosyllabic" have 5 syllables?

3.     Why do you click on the start button to stop a p.c. running windows?

4.     Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?

5.     If Oranges are orange why aren't Lemons called yellows?

6.     Why is my wireless full of wires?

7.     Why is nostalgia not what it used to be?

8.     Scientists reckon that 86.5% of all statistics are made up ~ on the spur of the moment!

9.     Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

10.     Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze

          these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

11.     If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

12.     Why are they called "SPEED BUMPS" if they slow you down?

13.     If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?       

          (The answer to this one would be YES!) :D

14.     Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a  mouse?

15.     Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16.     Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe,

          you believe them, but if they tell you there is  wet paint somewhere,

           you have to touch it to make sure?

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

Is "tired old cliché" a tired old cliché?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the
stall where she sleeps in the state of Nebraska, and they can track her
calves to their stalls all across the country, but they are unable to
locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country?  Maybe we should give them all a cow.


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

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Is Windows a virus?

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are asking themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.  

     Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.  

     Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.  

     Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.  

     Windows does that too!  

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.

     Same with Windows yet again!

Maybe Windows really is a virus.  Nope!  There is a difference! Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

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There are basically two types of people.  The people who have the “I can't do it” attitude and those who have the “I can't do it YET” attitude.

Thomas Edison embodied this “yet” mind-set.  It took him 3,000 attempts before he discovered the correct filaments for the light bulb.

He never said, “I can't do it.”

“I can't do it yet. . .” opens the door to just about everything.  When you use the word “yet,” it means that you know if you work harder, have additional resources, additional technology, etc . . . you'll succeed eventually.

Let's not invite failure in by the “I can't do it” (“It won't work,” “I can't figure it out.”) mind-set.  Let's focus on the YET – “I can't do it YET!”

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These make me laugh every time!!!     

I think I need this key   !